Intestinal Distress From Hell

After the gastric bypass, my digestive tract expressed its displeasure with me by imparting a stench to my farts and shits that I called Swamp Thing. The smell was exactly like what you'd smell if you grabbed a big handful of guck off the bottom of a stagnant swamp bog. And the color of my shit was exactly what you'd expect stagnant swamp bog guck to be colored -- dark, frightening black-green. Eventually though, as my gut became used to food again, the smell went away and I went to back to a more normal end product.

Until.... Breyers CarbSmart Ice Cream hove into view. Now, I've been eating Blue Bunny Sweet Freedom ice cream products since February with no ill effects. They are sweetened entirely with Splenda, which is the only sweetener I use, and is also what I sweeten tea with. So I know for a fact the Splenda doesn't bother me. I've also been eating shredded wheat with 2% milk every morning for the fiber, yogurt, and other dairy products with no trace of lactose intolerance.

At the store a couple of weeks ago, I was checking the Breyers CS against the Blue Bunny SF and the Breyers had fewer calories but more protein. Since I have to really push protein (minimum 65 g daily or my hair falls out, I get weak, and things just generally Aren't Pleasant) I decided to try the Breyers, especially since the net carbs are lower (have to watch the diabetes too). I can't say much for the Nutty Buddy things, but the ice cream sandwiches are DEEEE-lish! (And only 80 calories each!)

Then I developed.... the Never Ending Farts. Long, horn-blowing farts. Farts that make my cat Maggie attack my butt if I blast in bed. Farts that actually made my abdomen distend. Farts that made it uncomfortable to wear pants that are baggy everywhere else. You could tell I was coming just by listening for me. My catch phrase became "Did you hear that buck snort?" And with them came... the Smell. Not the Swamp Thing Smell, thank god, but a Horrible Stench just the same. A mix of sour milk, road kill, and some unknown sulfuric compound Not Of This Earth.

I went through this for a week before I finally figured it must be from a change in my diet. So Monday I cut all dairy out of my diet. No farts. Yesterday I added beef jerky back in. No farts. Today I had some pizza. No farts. Tonight I'm going to have one of the Blue Bunny SF ice cream cones with chocolate and nuts on them -- I call them Fake Drumsticks. And we'll see if I'm lactose intolerant or if the Breyers stuff has some bizarre formulation that my innards don't like.

(charlton heston mode)

DAMN YOU BREYERS!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

(/charlton heston mode)

Lorri